This is what it feels like to be 50

Still kicking* and loving hard.

The snowman Alex built in our front yard after our first snowstorm late last month.

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It’s my birthday week, a milestone birthday week at that. But unlike a decade ago, when I celebrated my 40^th with a big birthday bash with family and friends, including a surprise appearance by my best friend Jenn who flew in from the East Coast, my 50^th is shaping up to be decidedly quieter.

I’m good with this.

That birthday celebration in 2014, held at the downtown craft brewery my younger siblings owned for several years, was fun. I remember the sparkly top I wore (thanks to always-fashionable Jenn, who helped me pick out the outfit after arriving the day before the party) and I recall feeling overwhelmed with love and gratitude as I looked around the room, the entire place packed with individuals who not only meant so much to me but also represented varying seasons of my life—I was surrounded by childhood and college friends, women I’d first met when my kids were young, running partners I considered soul sisters, co-workers-turned-close-confidantes and dear family members like my larger-than-life father-in-law whom we’d unexpectedly lose not even a year later.

It was a bit of worlds colliding, but overall in the very best way.

Another gift Jenn gave me that birthday: her mad photography skills. She flitted about the brewery throughout the night, Nikon in hand, capturing hearty laughs, warm embraces and grinning faces I can still see in my mind’s eye when I think back to that snowy evening. One photo, another close-up as Jenn likes to shoot, depicted my damp-eyed gaze as I gave a short speech thanking everyone for being there. I remember seeing that photo after the party and critiquing my vulnerable look, and probably other parts of my appearance, but now I only see a young and beautiful Heather, a woman just beginning to feel more at ease with herself, and I’d like to give her a hug. I’d like to remind her to be gentle with herself and to keep going.

I wonder how much more I’ve figured out, 10 years later. In some ways, I’m still that young-ish woman wrestling with ideas and my next moves. But I think that’s something I’ve recognized even more this past decade: life is not linear. At least, life’s lessons do not follow a straight path.

Some lessons we need to learn over and over. Sometimes they show up disguised as a new lesson before we realize it’s a same-old one just packaged a little differently.

I’d like to think I’m wiser now. I believe I have become even more at ease with myself. But see above, the route remains an interesting one that is for sure meandering and unexpected at times. Maybe I just know how to take the turns better now.

Two years ago, not long after joining Substack, I wrote about life as I marked 48 years. Here’s how I’d update these words:

I don’t yet have the hard-won wisdom of a 55- 65-, or 75-year-old, but could I be doing some things today that I imagine my older self couldn’t help but like and appreciate? What will my older self like that I, a freshly-turned about-to-turn 48-year-old 50-year-old woman, am doing these days? What would she stand up and clap about, and say she was really proud of?

I’d like to think these things would be on the list:

• Being less afraid about speaking my mind and owning who I am. I keep on trying. Joe, and maybe our kids, would probably tell you I’m getting especially vocal these days. About certain things, like what I want (and don’t want).

• Going for that run (or walk or hike or whatever form of movement I choose), even when it feels hard. Just go. It’s always the answer for me, still.

• Reimagining what a life of movement can really look like. Maybe it’s not marathons and half Ironmans anymore; maybe it is. Maybe it’s snowshoeing in the woods by your house, for now. Just keep moving. I am determined to race more this coming year, starting with this snowshoe race in January. (I’d love for you to join me!)

• Truly not sweating the small stuff. Or even the bigger stuff. This too shall pass. I think I’m getting better at knowing this. I’ve been tested on this more in the past couple of years than I had imagined I would. Keeping perspective comes more quickly for me now, but it’s still a skill I’d like to strengthen.

• Reading and learning as much as I can. Keeping my mind open to new ideas. This time of life with young adult kids, this moment in our country’s history, this stage of my marriage—more than ever, I’ve relied on books and writing and reminding myself what it means to stay soft in heart and strong (and open) in mind to keep moving forward.

• Going to bed earlier more often, because sleep—good sleep—does make me feel better, every time. A continual goal (and struggle) of mine. When I get this right, and sometimes I do, I feel so good.

• Showing myself grace for staying up late sometimes, because sometimes this is just what I need (time alone to read, to talk uninterrupted with one of my kids, to write because I am feeling inspired). This continues to be an important reminder to me.

• Staying connected with good friends, even when it feels impossible to coordinate schedules and even when a friend isn’t as responsive as I’d like—sometimes I’m the one who needs to carry a bit more of the load, and that’s OK. Sometimes it will be the other way around. I’ve talked a lot about connection in this community, in this post, and also this one, and it remains something I think about a lot. This weekend I went outside my comfort zone and attended a concert with two friends I hadn’t spent time with in a long while, and we had such a great time. We caught up over brick-oven pizza and salads, danced to cheesy cover songs sang beautifully by a local musician, and closed down a bar simply by getting immersed in an interesting, meaningful conversation just the three of us.

• Remaining curious about who I am, what I want out of this big and beautiful life, and what I can give to my people and to the world. Reading these words was a good reminder to me, right here, right now.

• Writing the book I know is within me. And, always, keep writing. I’m beginning year two of Gateless Writing, the book-writing academy I enrolled in last year, and though I’ve come to realize the stops and starts that have been the novel-writing experience for me, I’m eager to dip back in and am hopeful to make some serious headway in the months ahead.

• Knowing I’ve gone through a lot and have survived a lot—and drawing upon these experiences to keep pushing through harder moments. I’m still here and what a gift that is. Yes, yes, yes. Maybe this is yet another reason we must record our musings and thoughts, whether for sharing with others or just for ourselves. Our own words can inspire us; they can remind us of who we are and want to be.

What’s one thing today that you’re doing, or that you are focused on for your life, that you believe your future self will thank you for?

Whatever age you are, what does it feel like to you?

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Life Lately …

This time of year is full for the expected reasons—holidays, inevitable wrapping up of work projects in what feels like a condensed amount of time, grown kids’ comings-and-goings/school exams and breaks—and also because our family of five has three birthdays between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I like that we make birthdays a big deal in our family, even if that just means a low-key day or evening together at home.

Right after Christmas this year we’re moving Andrew into his new campus apartment a couple of hours away. It’s an especially exciting step for my middle son to be transferring to a four-year university following several years of working full time and attending our community college. I’m incredibly proud and happy, and also preparing myself for what I know will be a flurry of emotions (for me).

In all of this, I’m savoring the moments of connection and the times I catch myself smiling or experiencing a flash of joy—of genuine contentedness. I feel it even more now, at 50, how essential this mindset is to my overall well-being.

Taking our new Scrabble game (we decided to get one that has a board that spins! Fancy!) to Stonehound, our neighborhood brew pub.

Emma and me at our local Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning.

Blue Sisters is a terrific book I recently finished. Highly recommend if you’re looking for a great story about family love, dealing with grief (and how we move through to another side of it), and accepting and loving ourselves.

From last week’s snowy slow run. It may sound weird, but I love winter running so much.

I decided our Christmas tree should be downstairs this year and I am loving how cozy it makes our family room feel right now.

Trails I love to hike and run in the winter. Village at Grand Traverse Commons, December 2024.

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I’ll be back here soon, before the end of the year. In the meantime, I’m wishing you all a peaceful and perspective-giving holiday season. xo

-Heather

* I can’t not mention this iconic SNL skit when I think of being 50.