How to be a true friend

On moving beyond 'updates-style friendships.’ Plus a pre-holiday announcement.

Painting by artist Maria Tepper.

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We’d made brunch plans, and I knew the two of us would have lots to talk about given the many months that had passed since we’d last carved out an afternoon together. I knew, too, that the time would fly by and we’d no doubt cover a lot of ground and go deep, as we always do.

But sitting in a back booth with mugs of hot coffee, glasses of spicy Bloody Marys and plates of eggs before us, I didn’t expect the level of vulnerability my longtime friend revealed, or how what she shared — and then what I offered myself in return — would be exactly what I needed that late Saturday morning. What we both needed, come to find out.

The newer diner, on the west side of downtown, was busy but we didn’t have to wait long for a table. It’s the kind of place that serves just breakfast and lunch, closing midday. So immersed were we in our conversation that we were among the final customers to leave, not long after they’d closed and we startled as we broke from our heartfelt talk and looked around at the now-quieted tables.

We’d met there, our cars parked close but in opposite directions. Our conversation continued on the sidewalk for another 20 minutes or so before we made plans to get together again soon — actual plans, not the hollow We should do this more often! kind of goodbye. I was reminded how we’re the kind of friends who like doing things together — rock-hunting along the Lake Michigan shoreline after stand-up paddleboarding, biking the backroads of Leelanau County, running a road race in Chicago — but we needed to revive our efforts. I know we actually will.

I walked away feeling lighter, loved and seen, immensely grateful and re-centered.

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A podcast episode about friendships in midlife recently caught my attention. I think it was a clip on Instagram that introduced me to this show, the co-hosts talking about the different kinds of friend interactions they’re experiencing in this stage of their lives.

In this Found at 40 episode — “The Midlife Friendship Crisis: Adult Mean Girls, Attachment Styles & Fading Friendships after 40” — co-hosts and sisters Chrissi and Sarah put into words how I’ve felt for awhile about a few of my female friendships: the shift from deep bonds to ‘update friendships.’

“You’re kind of in the midlife, and all we have time for is, ‘Let’s meet for coffee,’ or ‘Let’s meet for brunch or dinner,’ and then they shift into not necessarily the friendships where you’re building — it’s just updates … these are update-style friendships. Which is better than nothing, than not spending time together at all. But what I think is, it’s not building relationships. It’s maintaining — barely.”

Later, the discussion turned to a scientific study about the “11-3-6 rule of friendship” for building adult friendships: it takes 11 interactions before it feels like friendship; 3 months of consistency to build trust; and 6 deep connections for lasting well-being in that friendship. “You need consistency and not just chemistry that creates the actual connection.”

The episode went on to cover attachment styles in friendships as well as expert insight from Dr. Noelle Santorelli, who articulated so well the not-so-great relationship systems — not just the nuances and complex individuals existing within them — that can make quality friendships so tough at times.

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Sometimes I blame the pandemic for the shift in some of my friendships. It altered so much, for everyone, after all — it’ll be years before we get the full picture of its impacts — and then came so many aftershocks, from an ever-evolving political and economic landscape to how these developments are leaving us considering what we want our lives to truly look like, and the people with whom we want to share life’s moments.

What we wanted several years ago may be (likely is?) so much different than what we want today. Our perspectives have changed. We’ve all done a lot of re-evaluating and re-imagining. Some of us have taken sharp turns in new directions; some of us have gotten still. Most of us have done both of these things, I would guess, at various points in our recent journeys.

When it comes to my friendships in the past few years, I’ve realized I’m just as guilty as the next person when it comes to desiring more connection but not always doing the work to do more than just maintain a relationship. That’s uncomfortable for me to acknowledge. Is this post-COVID-related? Something to do with perimenopause and getting older? Having adult kids move out and adjusting to this next stage of parenting and marriage?

It’s become more clear to me — a true benefit of reaching midlife, I say — that I know the kinds of friendships I want to invest in, and the ones that are OK to let go of, even when it’s not so much a falling out and more simply growing apart that we’ve endured. It happens, and it’s fine, even as it can sting.

I’ve long known that some friends are meant to be in our lives for a certain phase of life. In midlife, I do think I’ve gotten better yet at accepting this fact, and furthermore, I’m more appreciative than ever for the girlfriends with whom I not only can be myself but also they, too, want to reciprocate and show up as their true selves with me.

When both people want to remain in a friendship, to show up for each other, to stay engaged — and to have the hard conversations when necessary, because both individuals want to grow the friendship — it’s a beautiful thing. And I find these are the connections I’m seeking.

I’m trying to be honest with myself about making more of an effort these days, with the women I want to stay close with, and with the women I’d like to get to know better. I know we’re all busy (and sometimes just really want to be left alone or have other priorities in life to tend to), but I’m most interested in pursuing and cultivating the relationships that aren’t one-sided.

This is something else I’ve come to realize as I’ve gotten older and am less inclined to people-please and be so accommodating all the time: I am ready and interested in doing the work of being in healthy friendships, and I’m also more discerning about to whom I am expressing this energy.

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With the exception of a few times in my life — living in a neighborhood filled with kids my same age as a very young child, various times throughout my school years, a short stint when my own kids were young and in the playgroup stage — I’ve not been part of a big friend group. I generally don’t feel all that comfortable in those situations, preferring more one-on-one and tiny group conversations where small talk doesn’t really exist.

I’ll take a heart-to-heart chat and a meal with a great friend or three over an elaborate party or big trip populated with numerous people — even if said people are terrific and friendly. I just like a more intimate setting, so I can feel like I’m able to really listen and connect with someone else.

Which is not to say I don’t experience envy when I see or hear about a group of women friends doing something fabulous together, like jet off to a far-flung tropical spot for a weekend away. But I know myself; unless it’s a smaller group, one that feels safe and cozy, I’d likely take a pass on such an activity anyway.

Finding soulmate friends overseas

These feelings of friendship in midlife, and how I’d like to connect with other women, came into sharper focus this past spring when I traveled alone to England for a weeklong writing retreat with two dozen women I’d never met in person, and really, didn’t know at all save for what I’d gleaned from some virtual gatherings some of us had shared prior to the trip.

You might think: wait, didn’t you just say you preferred spending time with smaller groups of women? And women who are your friends?

I do, and I also know that going outside of my comfort zone from time to time is important for me. And while I wasn’t sure what to expect as far as making new friends, I went on this trip knowing that the women I would meet were similar to me in some ways: they were writers, each working on their own particular project, and we’d been part of the same book-writing program and following the same method of honing our craft.

It didn’t happen right away, of course, but over the course of those days spent in an English countryside manor, eating all of our meals together and sitting across from one another writing and vulnerably sharing our written words, something clicked within me. I felt at ease, at home, with these women.

It dawned on me, as the days passed and we ventured outside the manor to a seaside village for fish and chips and more real conversations as our authentic selves, that I really, really missed this kind of lovely, easy female friendship.

We came from all different backgrounds — some of us are mothers, some are not; a few of us are divorced or separated or never been married, while others are in new relationships or navigating long-term partnerships. We literally came from all parts of the U.S. and Europe (I was one of just two from the Midwest, the only person from Michigan), and a number of us speak multiple languages and spend time in different countries on a regular basis (I’m not there yet, but maybe this is part of my next phase of life? Ha, I can hope!).

What made our connections so strong, so lasting? We still have a group chat going that every now and again lights up my phone with news and updates, and a few of us remain in writers’ groups together. I hope to visit with a couple of these women next time I travel to NYC. It was an intense experience, and these situations have a way of bonding people, I know.

But I also think about how these women shared themselves so honestly and beautifully, and how we all had the desire and ability during this time to support one another, to build up and not tear down in any way. It was a safe space, an environment where I felt I could be myself — even as it scared me at times because I was stripped down, baring my soul, pushing myself to write what was on my heart and in my head. And they all listened and saw me, without judgement. And I did the same for them.

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I don’t need, nor do I want, a high level of intensity in my friendships. At least, not in the ways that I had it in the past. I once thought that having that one absolute bestest friend above all others was the way to go, and I realize that this was somewhat of a rather damaging pattern for me for a long time.

Through some serious friendship heartache, which is its own unique kind of hell and something I know so many of us have gone through, I’ve found it is healthier for me — and really, we can only figure out what is healthiest for ourselves — to not close myself off to other close friendships, and also to choose wisely.

I’ve come to value and practice giving to friends in ways I would like to be treated while also not putting up with friendships that leave me feeling less than. I also now know that each woman who means something to me and is in my life brings her own special gifts of love and friendship. No one person can or should be all things to us, and the same goes for how we are with others. And for that I am grateful.

I’m not sure how it all will look as I move further into midlife friendships. But I am eager to find out, and most importantly, I am more clear on what I am looking for and what I am willing and wanting to give in return.

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How would you describe your friendships at this time of your life? How have they changed for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

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Speaking of making lasting and meaningful connections, paid subscribers help me continue to show up here in ways that, I hope, make you happy you’re here. I hope my writing helps you think about your own experiences, and how together we can keep moving through our journeys in healthy, sustaining ways. ❤️

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Quick announcement:

I’ve recently updated my online store with items I think you’ll really like. These include nature- and movement-inspired clothing and accessories at all different price points. Maybe you’re seeking a few holiday gifts (for the women friends you love!), or perhaps you’d like to treat yourself to something. Either way, I’d be so thankful if you checked it out. And here’s a special discount code to use if you order: use MovingThrough25 at check-out to take 20% off. Shop here. This code is good through Dec. 10.

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Thank you for being here and for reading. I’ll be back again soon.
XO
Heather